Parody inspectorate · not a government service

OfCust

The standard

How OfCust inspects a pudding

We do not mark ambience, wine lists, or whether the waiter called you “guys”. We mark custard. Six tests. One verdict. Refuse to serve it and you are named.

Test 01

Yellowness

The colour of a proper custard is a public service.

Beige crime → Hazard yellow

Test 02

Viscosity

It should coat the back of a spoon, not the table.

Yellow water → Coat the spoon

Test 03

Quantity

A drizzle is a gesture. A jug is a serving.

A rumour → Bottomless

Test 04

Temperature

Cold custard is a moral failure.

Fridge-cold → Properly hot

Test 05

The skin

Controversial. Correct. The skin is the point.

Stirred to death → Unbroken

Test 06

The jug

Did they bring a jug, or a thimble on a saucer?

Thimble → Left on the table

Verdicts

Composite is the average of the six tests. Custardless is automatic the moment they say no.

  • Outstanding

    Outstanding · 8.5 or above

    A jug, a colour, a temperature. This is how a civilisation behaves.

  • Good

    Good · 6.5 or above

    Custard was served. It was yellow. The nation is, on balance, content.

  • Requires improvement

    Requires improvement · 4.0 or above

    They have heard of custard. They have not yet understood it.

  • Inadequate

    Inadequate · below 4.0

    Technically a yellow liquid. Spiritually a crime.

  • Custardless

    Custardless · they will not serve it

    They will not serve custard. They are named. They are shamed.

The highest honour

Bottomless is legend

Quantity is a score. Bottomless is a policy. If they will not stop pouring, they are a legend. The six tests still apply. A beige fountain is still a fountain, and we will still mark it. The honour is the offer.

Read the ledger

The seals

Outstanding and Good earn a seal of approval for the window and the website. Bottomless houses get a legend mark on the same seal. Everything else is an inspection mark. Open any report to download it.

Approved · Outstanding
Approved · Good
Mark · Requires improvement
Mark · Inadequate
Mark · Custardless
Legend · Bottomless
Window plate

Crème anglaise is still custard

Calling it something French does not save you. Foam does not save you. A gel does not save you. A sabayon is a near-miss. Ice cream is not custard. Skyr is a provocation.

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